I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
