I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
