Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
