So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
