I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
