I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
