This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
