My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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