Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
