Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
