i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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