I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
