Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
