Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
