We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
