Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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