there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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