So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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