Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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