Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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