Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
