Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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