Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
