My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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