It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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