dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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