i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
