she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
