i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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