I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
