HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
