when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
