I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
