A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
