apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
