I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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