you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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