my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
