Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
