Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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