Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
