Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
