Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
