in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
