There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
