You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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