I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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