please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
