My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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