If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
